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Two years ago, I reached one of my lowest points in life. It started around May and lasted until the last quarter of the year. It was only my birthday and the Christmas season that changed everything. A year after, I probably got used to with the sadness. A few friends, family and some little surprises along the way helped me get through everything. Fast forward now, I think everything remained the same. It's sad and disheartening. More than the struggle, it makes me realize that my efforts are useless. I'm still a failure. My greatest fear is remaining in this pathetic state and accepting that I will never be meant for greater things. That hurts.

I'm not sure if it's the weather or because I'm idle. Work was suspended for two days. I should have followed my instincts. I should have brought home some files to accomplish. If I was productive, I will never have time to entertain another set of sad thoughts. But these sentiments have been recurring for years already. This leads to the lone and obvious action, I have to painfully wear and walk the shoes of a grown up. 

I'm exerting efforts. A few times, I thought I was on track. Only to later realize, I'm on my way to another taste of failure. I hold on to the idea that a rejection means one step closer to that dream. But standing up and moving on is never an easy phase. It entails another state of sadness and losing that dwindling self esteem. 

While everything is still uncertain, my prayers remained the same. More than finding some light to my struggles, I wish and pray for good health for me and my family. It's more than enough reason to remain grateful, amidst my other struggles.