This should have been uploaded last Easter Sunday, but my schedule made other plans. Truth to be told, I was not inclined to blog anything. Aside from the usual overwhelming work, I'm emotionally struggling. I'm not even sure if such is the correct term. 

Years or months from now, I hope to read this post in a better state. I hope one day, I can say that I survived, I'm healed and I'm happy. 

A few weeks ago, I felt that familiar sadness. It's that sadness arising from losing my mom and some work related issues. I convinced myself that maybe, it's another phase of PMS. Days after, my bed ridden brother was crying in pain. Everyone at home became restless. I asked my Dad if we should already see a doctor. We waited for another day, things felt better. My brother still cries whenever he releases that much awaited bowel. But compared to the previous days, my brother is better.  

The past days were filled with worries about my brother. My Dad was stressed. I felt restless. I cannot fully concentrate at work. My mind overworked and I went to the extent of overanalyzing the entire situation. I imagined all the worst things to happen. Suddenly, all those painful memories of my mother in the hospital attacked me. My emotions were overflowing, I tried my best to prevent those crying episodes. I wanted to cry while I was teaching. I held my tears during a meeting. I wanted to cry in front of my friend, but we have work to finish. 

Then here comes Mother's Day ... I survived Christmas and New Year without my mother. I thought I was tough enough. But Mother's Day seems to be more painful than the those holidays. 

Around March of this year, my mother appeared in my dreams. The exact words she told me, magpakatatag ka. (be strong) As expected, I woke up crying. I'm not sure if this is what she meant. At the end of the day, it's always the lone option. A few weeks ago, I encountered this random video from Tiktok. The message hits home. It was intended for anyone who lost a loved one; we shouldn't feel guilty of their death and it encouraged me to visit my mother's resting site often. 

After several months, I decided to visit my mother. I prayed and stayed for a while. I prayed that our fears and worries will be taken away. I hope me and Dad will remain healthy and have other reasons to be happy. I hope things will be better.