The more I tried, the more I fail.
This has been life over the past weeks. I still can't get over the sadness and silent crying episodes. It always starts on those days I long for my mom's presence. I will cry about my mother and eventually, all the other things that messed up my life.
I wanted to be better. But all my efforts feel so futile. The more I tried to be better, the more I feel desperate and frustrated.
My mother's first death anniversary is nearing. While it is called as babang luksa in our local language, I felt that such does not exist. We don't end mourning and grief. Once you lose a loved one, the grief stays and you have to live with it.
Other than grief, work and my personal life have not been doing well. It feels like I don't accomplish anything at all. I'm tired of dealing with people. I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities. I don't feel anything optimistic.
On some days, I wish someone would check on me. I miss my mother's instinctive way of knowing whenever something is bothering me. I hope I can cry over someone who understands my weaknesses. I hope healing and recovery immediately comes after the tears.
I'll pray for your healing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this and know how discouraged you are. You've had to carry a heavy burden this past year but I know you have helped so many others, especially your Father and your family. I wish I could give you a tight hug. You are my friend and my namesake. I keep you in my prayers. With love, Diane
ReplyDeleteHi Diane! You are right about grief. It will never go away, it is part of our lives that we carry forever. Sometimes it's like it is never there, sometimes it knocks us down, sometimes we are okay with it, but it always there like a body part or a daily chore that we always have to deal with. I am really sorry for the loss of your mother. I am still grieving for the loss of my father too, 8 years ago, and now the situation with my mother, I feel like bad days seem to never end. I feel so alone too. Sometimes it's so bad nothing seems to help I was thinking of getting a therapist's help but can't afford it.
ReplyDeleteBut I know we are not alone. Maybe our friends just don't know what to say or what to do to make us feel better. And maybe there's nothing they can do too, but feel sorry for us, we just don't see it. But I'm sure there are people who care. I'm thinking of you Diane and I'm praying for you. I pray that we get through this soon, and better days are soon coming.
Hang in there, Diane. Just message me in you need someone to talk to. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteKnow that there are people out there (like me) who pray for you and wish you well. Cyberhuuugsss, Diane. I know you won't give up. Never. :)
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