In a few weeks, another year is about to end. Save the classic lines: looking back, time flies, so much has changed...


I'm tempted to use those overused phrases. As always, I don't know where and how to start. My projects for 2024 ended last week. It's one of the rare times when I can spend weekends without thinking about deadlines. We still have work to do. But I feel relieved that the core projects are over. See you again next year, for another batch of patience testing and mental health gaming episodes. 

November is supposedly a lighter and relaxing month for me. It starts on All Saints and All Souls Day. These are significant days because of the few people, who would take time to remember and visit my late mother. The few days off from work also provides a breather before December. But this year feels different. For some reason, I feel pained. I reached the point when I start to question all the things I accomplish at work. People will forget them and what remains is my reputation of being rough and aggressive. At home, my Father sees me as her sad, overworked and struggling daughter. Is working hard still worth it? 

I never remembered feeling this way last year. Looking back, I was way better then. A burdening chapter of my life ended on its own. I started to rebuild something. I was thankful and had no expectations. December was even happier. It felt like all my pains and sadness were taken away. But to be honest, I start to develop an unusual fear whenever everything in my life is going well. The stillness is sending me signals of a threatening wave coming. Like this weekend, something felt off. True enough, I had another set of crying episode. The feeling of relief was replaced by another set of worries and feeling of emptiness. Not to mention, I'm starting to question if I really deserve to be happy. Is it really hard to achieve happiness? Why do I always feel like I'm not doing anything right? 

My saving grace this weekend are messages from former superiors. After completing a freelance work, I received this reply, "okay naman lahat ng ginawa mo." It wasn't even a commendation, but it was enough to subside my tears for a while. Another superior sent this, " All the things we do for love. Not for the applause,.. not even for the platitude of gratitude. Always and only, the act of LOVING and willing the GOOD, the best for the Beloved."...  the things we do for love ....

I sit here at home with my Father and special brother. Years ago, I'm already contented with this kind of weekend. For as long as Dad and my special brother are healthy, we can sleep with happiness and contentment.

I always say, having a healthy family are already enough. But in my heart, I have other wishes and prayers. I want to be happy. The happiness where I know that I don't have to feel empty, afraid and unworthy.